Many people we meet are interested in learning about what life is like in Bundibugyo. It’s been difficult for us to give a complete picture in the course of a short conversation, so I thought it might be useful to provide the following

GUIDE TO SIMULATING RURAL UGANDAN LIFE AT HOME

1. Shower using cold water only. Be sure not to get any in your mouth or you’ll get “Idi Amin’s revenge”. Use bottled water for any purpose that involves actually putting water in your mouth.

2. Purchase assorted farm animals (cows, chickens, goats, etc.) and let them roam freely in your neighborhood. Don’t worry about their “deposits” — your neighbors will appreciate how they help keep their lawns lush and green. Also, the crowing of the roosters will help keep people from oversleeping (i.e. past 5 AM).

3. When driving, don’t give pedestrians the right-of-way. As long as you don’t actually hit them, they won’t mind if you drive within inches of them. Also, feel free to drive on sidewalks, lawns, etc.

4. Let a small colony of rats live in your attic. If you find one downstairs, use it as the puck in a game of “rat hockey”.

5. Do normal household chores as follows:
- Housecleaning: without vacuum cleaner
- Clothes washing: by hand, using tub, brush, and cold water.
- Cutting grass: using a scythe
- Dish washing: by hand, using water heated on the stove.

6. When you realize that #5 is completely impractical, hire one or more poor people to do the chores for you. Keep in mind that this will obligate you to pay for medical care, weddings, parties, and other expenses for them, their siblings, 3rd cousins, etc.

7. Eat lots of rice. Garnish with tiny rocks before serving.

8. Once in a while, hide a small live scorpion in the toilet paper — preferably just before your spouse needs to use the toilet.

9. Walk into your neighbors’ houses without knocking first. They’ll appreciate the feeling of togetherness this creates.

10. Make it a habit to “borrow” money and small household valuables from friends, neighbors, and family members without asking first. Encourage them to do the same to you.

11. Buy only the toughest cuts of meat. Don’t remove the bones before serving.

12. For all dishes, eat with your fingers only — no silverware.

13. Don’t go outside after dark. If you do, wear a blindfold to simulate the complete lack of outside electrical lighting.

14. Don’t use any appliances or other electrical devices that require more than 20 watts each (about 1/4 the size of a typical light bulb).

15. Have family members or neighbors cut your hair.

16. Visit the grocery store only once every 2 months. If you run out of some vital item, improvise. For example, banana tree leaves are large and may be used as toilet paper. If you don’t happen to have a banana tree in your yard, use what you have. Holly leaves are not recommended.

17. Attend a church whose services are conducted in a language you don’t understand. When the offering plate comes around, feel free to give agricultural products such as eggs, chickens, cows, etc. instead of money. If your offering is too large to conveniently fit into the plate, auction it
to the congregation and then donate the proceeds.