Does it surprise you that perhaps a good fifty percent of the time, I really DON’T want to go to Africa?? Not that I am not committed one hundred percent to going, but that my FEELINGS waver.

The reactions to our calling range from disbelief and distress to awe and amazement to understanding. I have a hard time explaining to those around me that though I am THRILLED to be on this path, it is not something I have EVER wanted. And for those that I express myself to, the knowledge that I am not gung ho to go is a bit concerning. Why don’t we do something else if this is not what we really want??

This IS our path . . . . We are sure of it. We know this is where God is leading us. We are confident of the decision, the process, and our calling. And it brings us GREAT joy. But let me tell you it is not all delight.

What brings me joy: the knowledge that God is speaking to ME, to US and that we are hearing Him; having certainty about the next step; intimacy with God; a purpose filled life; seeing so many experiences, gifts and desires coming together in one big destiny; the opportunity to touch the neediest on a daily basis; license to preach the good news every moment of every day because it’s our JOB!; seeing God move in amazing ways; the greatness of the challenge; all that our children will gain

What tempers my joy: the sheer, hard work involved in pursuing an intimate relationship with God (the only way we will survive the intensity of this experience); violence, disease, isolation; cultural barriers; constant, draining ministry; distance from family and friends; distance from great preaching and worship; our complete inadequacy to the task; the pain that we will embrace constantly; all that our children will lose

It’s the two sides to the coin. It’s realism. It’s faith, right?? The belief that this is GOOD and that we choose it because He has first chosen it for us, despite the fear, and the pain. The knowledge that great things are never easy, that great rewards never come without great costs, that our lives will be infinitely bigger and yet smaller than we can imagine.

Our lives will be GOOD, better than ever and our lives will be HARD and painful, harder and more painful than ever before. Can you empathize with my mixed emotions?

I love the way a worship song expresses it:

It’s all about you . . . Jesus
And all this is for you
For your glory and your fame
It’s not about me . . .
As if you should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender . . . To your ways