Each day feels like a marathon. I find myself becoming disillusioned,
depressed, defeated by mid day, and as the afternoon goes on, more so. When
the stillness and peace of night comes; the visitors all gone for the day,
our family together, I feel relief. I sleep quickly but not well.
Dreaming, waking, restless, yet so tired. The mornings come and I find
myself wishing for more time, more time in stillness, more time in darkness,
more time without chaos around me.

I search the scripture, looking at the life of Jesus. How did Jesus cope
with so many needing Him? With so many problems, so many hurts, so much
pain? How did Jesus handle his ever-present multitude? A verse pops out as
if written just for me . . . .

“but Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” - Luke 5:16

The next day I am listening, yet again, to Anne Graham Lotz’s recording,
Just Give Me Jesus. I listen to it many times each day. She brings me,
with her words, to sit at the feet of Jesus and begin to know who He is. I
stand in awe of Him. Today one small phrase stands out for me, she is
speaking of Jesus: “He stands in the solitude of Himself”. I am captivated
by this thought, by the image I have of Jesus standing in His own solitude,
enough, enough, enough, nothing more needed.

Another day passes, I read about being blessed, (from Life of the Beloved),
He discusses the disciplines of silence and solitude. He calls me to these
disciplines . . . .

And then today, I sit in the sacred, early morning hour, awash in the beauty
of mountains, the joy of the presence of God around me like a mist. I cry
out to God with my temptations. I pour out my heart before Him, free in the
knowledge that He will never love me less, can not ever love me more. I am
His child and He wants my heart; it’s pain, imperfection and prostitution
(see the book of Hosea) included. I ask that He would meet me, with
Himself.

I turn to my daily devotional reading (The Experience, by Henry and Richard
Blackaby), the verse for the day:

“The Lord said, ‘Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the
LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.’
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the
rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind
there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the
earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the
fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over
his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a Voice said
to him . . . . .”

And again, the devotional discusses stopping our activity, finding a quiet
place, being still with our God. I realize suddenly, sheepishly, that God
is being very clear with me. He wants time with me, and knows I need time
with Him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I don’t share this to preach to you, to say what you should or should not
do, to teach you truth. Instead I share this with you simply to record my
own journey and in the knowledge that although we are each broken in our own
unique way; you, like me, ARE broken and perhaps your hearing of Gods
completion in my brokenness will be of some help.

From Leonard Bernstein’s “Mass”:

” I never realized that broken glass could shine so brightly.”