I have been reading two books this past weekend that have been shaping and molding my thoughts. I have also been praying and considering continuing developments in my relationships with locals and with the local orphan school. These developments have not been obviously positive. And over the weekend, I have begun to see more clearly that in the midst of all my mercy and compassion for the hurting, I am full of judgment and self-protection. I continue to return to acting like an orphan fighting for my life and what’s right rather than a loved, accepted and protected daughter of God, King over all the universe.
“Mercy Streets” tells about seeing grace on the streets of New York city. It talks a lot about seeing, about looking and observing and re-vision; having our eyes open to who God is and what He is doing in the world around us, despite apparent ugliness. Reading about God’s grace in the hearts of New York’s homeless opens my eyes again . . . . We’re all just people here together struggling through difficult lives and then we catch a vision for how God sees us, and trust what Jesus has done for us and accept each day to live as sons and daughters of the King.
At the same time, “From Fear to Freedom” highlights one woman’s experiences of living out of her own strength, in bitter failure then moving to living out of Gods strength. Though I began the book thinking “I know this stuff” I found that God used the words in my heart. I recognize in myself fear, concern for others opinions, and a need for success. I recognize that many times I continue to choose hurt, frustration, and anger over an accepting love of others. I begin to see how I often believe that people’s behavior is more powerful than God, leading to hurt and damage. Instead of feeling victimized, angry and tired I can claim God’s power over sin.
Through my whole time here, and before, God has been nurturing in me a sense of His presence and a peace in His arms. I like this quote from Thomas Kelly, “There is a way of ordering our mental life on more than one level at once. On one level we may be thinking, discussing, seeing, calculating, meeting all the demands of external affairs. But deep within, behind the scenes, at a profounder level, we may be in prayer and adoration, song and worship, and a gentle receptiveness to divine breathings.” This is where I find peace in chaos, as I am receptive to God’s breathings throughout the moment to moment of challenging days.
Coming back to re-vision; Thoreau said, ” The question is not what you look at, but what you see.” Paul Minear says, ” Our point of view is determined by our point of viewing.” The book of Proverbs say, ” the poor man and the oppressor have this in common, the Lord gives sight to the eyes of both.” Jeremiah writes with God’s voice, ” Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and hidden things which you have not known.”; and Isaiah writes” You will rebuild those houses left in ruins for years; you will be known as a builder and repairer of city walls and streets.” Krister Stendhal writes “God’s agenda is the mending of creation.” (quotes taken from “Mercy Streets”)
Perhaps to you, these quotes don’t obviously connect with each other. But for me, as I seek to see God rebuild lives, social structures, and an entire country left in ruins by war, famine, and oppressive traditions, I find myself needing daily to surrender to God’s power over difficult people and difficult circumstances. I have felt your prayers acutely over the last several weeks in many moments where I felt sure to erupt in anger, frustration, and sharp words but somehow, outside of myself felt soft words and a softening heart speaking instead. This is only God’s grace and mercy coming to me and proceeding out of me.
As I move deeper into this culture and ministry here, please continue to pray that God would give me a heart to see others as he sees me, and to live out of who He says I am; beloved, accepted, already a conqueror because of Christ Jesus. Pray that I would continue to reject despair, frustration and discouragement in favor of praying with power for God’s will to be done in this place. My weakness can leave room for His strength. May it be so.