I stumbled across a mirror this morning; the kind you find in Kampala stores. Thin, cheap, with a plastic frame and a particle board backing. Nevertheless I put it in Naomi’s room. Placed it carefully on her small desk and shelves - in a place of honor, a place where it must receive much use. I think a mirror is perhaps one of our best tools in growing . . . . .

When I was young my mother gave me a mirror. It belonged to her Gramma Alison, I believe. Small and rectangular - it had perfect mitered mirror corners within a notched and carved wood frame. Simple and elegant, the mirror had a slight waviness that evoked an aged beauty. It was one of a few treasured items that my mom passed on to me from her family. Each of these items carried for me, immense mystery and wonder. They were old, handled by people I had never met yet whose blood I carried within my veins.

I used to watch myself in that mirror for long minutes, many times a day. When I was very young I thought deep thoughts beyond my countenance. As I grew older I self-analyzed my looks and person inside and out. I criticized and judged myself relentlessly. It was looking in that mirror that I was most acutely aware of being alone within myself. Aware of my uniqueness, body, soul and spirit different from every other individual in the universe. I wondered what it might be like to know me, if I wasn’t myself.

The other day Naomi was smoothing back her hair and trying out a new bun. Spontaneously I blurted out for the millionth time in her young life, ” you’re SO beautiful.” Her response was equally spontaneous and vulnerable and captured me with the essence of our hearts; “mom, you know you and dad are the only people who say that to me.” So matter of fact was her statement, yet I can see where that thought goes. I too remember noticing as I grew that my mother was the one who told me daily how beautiful I was. And somehow Satan managed to twist that. As if my mother’s delight in my beauty somehow signified that I was less than lovely, that only she could find me so. How early the enemy of our souls begins his assault.

Yet yesterday, as Naomi spoke those words to me, I finally caught a new glimpse of the real picture. As my heart longed to respond to her heart, as I wondered how to explain to her why her mommy and daddy are the ones who most often tell her how beautiful she is; the image of my old mirror came into my heart and mind. That familiar rectangle, daily reflecting back my moods, my faces, even my soul. Those who see us most often, know us best. Dear daughter, I see your amazing soul, your gorgeous heart almost more than anyone else; and it only makes your appearance grow daily more beautiful.

A mirror symbolizes alone-ness so well. The being stuck with ourselves. We are never alone, we are always with our true selves. It gets wearying sometimes, doesn’t it? Yet the One who knows us best - our true Husband - has been watching us since before our birth. He sees us, flawed (cracked teeth and funny pinky toes and all) and yet finds us growing ever more beautiful as we approach our wedding with him. In our alone-ness, in the sense of not yet being known well, we are taunted by our soul’s enemy who says; “you are not enough” or perhaps ” you are too much”. You are not beautiful enough or too lovely and therefore dangerous. You are not talented enough or maybe too talented and therefore disliked. Yet God says, “you are my Beloved, the one I am waiting and longing and aching for. Just like you are lonely (for Me, you might not know that’s what you’re missing, but you’re lonely for ME), I am lonely for you. I desire to be completed by relationship with you. God is not incomplete, yet somehow He also aches for us, desires to be united with us.

I think all my life I have thought that I could escape loneliness, escape that fear of being alone. I have looked for soul-company in the most expected of places (a husband, deep friends, family) and in the most absurd (control, productivity, thinness.) But the feeling of aloneness has never really left me. It has been a haunting, subconscious presence throughout my life. Yet this weekend God showed me new things. Showed me the beauty of alone-ness, the truth and essence of why God created us fundamentally unique. I AM alone . . . I am a bride surrounded be dear friends and family, yet fundamentally alone in my prospect of marriage to the Husband who claimed me before time began. And who somehow can claim each of us in that special way. Somehow he meets the deepest needs of our hearts, and each of us, uniquely, meets the deepest needs of His. He is the only One who will know me perfectly, love me satisfyingly, fulfill me completely. I can embrace my alone-ness as I move towards Him.