Yesterday I had the hard privilege of speaking with a student who, last year, was involved in a very destructive relationship. She is now a probationary student, only re-enrolled on condition of counseling and changes in behavior. Since her behavior has been bad already since coming back and since her first counseling session was less than successful, I called together two other staff members to meet her with me yesterday. And in this meeting, I revealed to her that we know what happened last year, that we have kept her secrets well, and that we are fighting for her to stay in school.

This is a girl who is as hard as a rock. When you speak to her it is as if she is not quite all there. During chapel, angry and vicious words spew forth from her under her breath, as if she doesn’t even plan to say them. I would not be surprised if there is demonic involvement. She is VERY hard to reach.

As she came into the counseling room she was clearly nervous but also quite set in toughness. But as I began to describe what we knew about her history she totally fell apart. Picture a twenty year old young woman sitting curled up on a hard bench in school uniform, crying hard silent tears and SUCKING HER THUMB.

This was sacred ground.

What a gift to be able to put my arm around her and remind her that tears are healthy, that she is loved. I didn’t truly believe she would ever be able to hear that from anyone but I think yesterday, thumb in mouth, snot running down her arm, she did. She heard that she is valuable, precious, fought for, protected and that we trust God with her and for her.

And when I gave her an afternoon dismissal from the rest of her classes she went to the girls dorms to sob. Her cries were those of an animal in pain and I was thankful for the privacy of the dorms during class time and so thankful that I was there to encourage her to CRY. (the common advice in Africa is that crying can make you sick and that is what staff often say to students.)

I have days when I feel like that too. As I learn more about myself, as I trust more of myself to God, to David, to the world around me, I have days when I can’t figure it out. When I want to be held and rocked. When a thumb would be good comfort. And the deep beauty is; God sees no shame in that. What joy to know that God doesn’t love us because we’re responsible and we’ve got it all together. He loves us like we love our children; when they need us most, when silent rocking is deep soul comfort, when a simple touch speaks louder than any words. He loves us in those childish places in our hearts. And it is when we are children that we most easily receive His love.

Bladder infections, high TSH and migraines aside, I am back at work in Bundibugyo, noticeably worse for the wear. Just ask my husband, who gets the brunt of my tiredness, frustration and stress. Things went okay at the school in our absence, no great falls from glory. But let’s face it, adding 100 more students to the mix as we did on the second admission of junior students on Monday, does not necessarily improve the general atmosphere.

I’m not particularly feeling well, we got behind on programs and behind-the-scenes planning, and the whole school felt that behind-ness at the beginning of term. This is where I say (and believe) that His grace is there in our weakness. But the reality is frustrating and tiring to confront.

Last night I headed off at 10 pm for the first of the year’s evening emergency hospital runs for a student health issue. As I learned over the course of the “evening” this girl was suffering from serious anxiety issues brought on by fights with a girl in the neighboring dorm. A girl that was sleeping with a staff member last year. And thereby, a girl who has earned herself the right to call herself a woman. Not clearly a good candidate to continue her studies here but someone we are trying to rehabilitate, to facilitate God’s redemption in her life.

Going in to the anxious girl’s dorm at midnight with her medication as prescribed by the nurse, I was appalled to find that pornography has already reappeared on the walls beside some of the beds. Not easily seen from the entrance, but there were at least forty pictures in the single girl’s area where I squatted to lay hands on her and pray for her. I left the dorm feeling the spirit of defeat. We prayed, we fought, and we have suffered a set back. Now we must not lose hope, we must pray again, with faith and strength and unity and not look back, only forward to God’s work ahead.

Pornography in dorms, rehabilitating students who really don’t want to change, ugly comments made by these students to my children, threats of violence, stone-throwing as a bullying tactic, the first student suspension of the year (and it’s our “son” Charles!) . . . . These have been some difficulties of the week.

Coming out of a staff meeting on discipline at 6 pm yesterday, I came up behind a group of male students who were watching Quinn and his African friends climb trees by the sports field. “Kazungu,” they were calling softly; unpleasant comments falling from their lips. Quinn was oblivious. I felt furious. “It’s quite rude to call someone “white person”, I said. Do you want me to call you “Black?! We are more than the color of our skin. Please call him Quinn and speak respectfully.” I felt fear, I felt anger, I felt a familiar re-appearing of the doubt that leads to despair. And I recognized the turn-around. That it’s my turn to feel the discomfort of racial bias. That I have earned this discomfort through the sins of my culture and the white community at large in greater Africa. That my high and mighty words, though true, bypass the heart-deficit of my under-privileged and deeply neglected African students.

Can people change? Can places change? Can we ourselves be changed by the reality of who He is?? Will He change me??

“You reign on High” declares:
“There’s none that is higher than you, there’s none that are Wiser than you, there’s no one more Beautiful, there’s none more true, than you.”
There’s only one Lamb of God, Only one King There’s only one Sacrifice Only one thing.
I want to gaze upon your beauty, Lord To dwell with you forever.”

I spent several post-work early evenings this week sitting on my porch, watching dozens of students playing football, listening to this song over and over and over . . . .just weeping.

He’s wise, He’s surely beautiful . . . He’s so true. And once re-shown our weakness, we fall back into His sure arms. It doesn’t mean we don’t cry, it doesn’t mean we don’t get angry. It surely doesn’t mean that we always have a good attitude or the biggest faith. It means that when the world calls us “white stranger” we respond out of our Belovedness. When we fear a stone, we take refuge in our sure Rock. When we fall behind we ask Him who is outside of time to fill those gaps.

If courage is not the absence of fear, but our action in spite of it; I would say that faith is not the absence of doubt, but the choice to believe in spite of our big doubts, our big fears and the ever-present reminders of the imperfections of said-faith. I have faith in someone who I call Wise, Beautiful, and True. And he is re-naming me, and re-naming those I love in Bundibugyo, Uganda. Won’t you join in this re-naming? If you are fearful and doubting, join me. He specializes not in the healthy, but the sick. We who most need His grace and forgiveness are those He calls to serve Him around the world. That is because His wiseness, His truth, His beauty is seen in us, clay pots that we are, so easily. Join this white stranger in worship of the King.

After yet another return of my back and stomach pain on Saturday, having exhausted fifteen days worth of antibiotics and a drunk a WHOLE LOTTA WATER . . . David and I made the decision Sunday morning to pack up the kids and head to Kampala for medical evaluation. We made our decision around ten a.m. and pulled out before 12, throwing our children into yet another unsettle-ment – ” but Mom, I just got used to school and you at work and EVERYTHING!” Yea, honey, me too.

Here we are a day and a half later . . . And much to be thankful for. I am not admitted on IV antiobiotics. I’m not in extreme pain. It appears that my body is doing a slow mend, and I’m getting some serious cultures and blood work done. Meanwhile the kids snack on apple pie and ice cream and play foosball with their dad at the American Club’s hotel.

Driving out on Sunday, giving out last minute messages to house workers and team members and staff at school, trying to remember what we forgot, feeling miserable and puking all across the mountain, this trip felt like a loss. All our hard work getting the term started and now we are leaving the whole CSB team in the lurch. Yesterday was the final admissions day for S1′s and 5′s and we wouldn’t be there to help all go as planned. There was a sense of “what if”. We were scared to let go.

But we realized as we went; all in all this trip is GOOD. It’s space to breath in our hectic and overwhelming lives. It’s a chance to step back from the progress we’ve made and acknowledge that HE is the one who can take the pride in saying ” it is good.” If our team falls flat on their faces in our absence we can come back to encourage them to try again. We gain the knowledge of things not yet learned well enough. If they succeed brilliantly, we can come back full of pride and shared excitement; knowing that these folks have taken ownership. And of course they will do both; they will fail and succeed. And we will encourage and rejoice with them. And in he process we will all be reminded that God is the one doing this good work in all of us.

David and I have gotten chances to sit and talk from the heart, a rarity in the last few weeks. We have gotten extra moments to cuddle and care for our children. We have been able to think a little. And we’ve gotten permission to care for ourselves above the school. How can we see all this as anything but a good plan from a good God who knows us well and loves us even better.

As we drove out of Fort Portal on Sunday towards the city with another four plus hours to go, I sat in the back with the kids and saw two of Quinn’s leg wounds starting to ERUPT with pus – we’re talking big dangerous red circles and scabbed over sacs of deep yellow goo. Gross and scary. Did we remember the bactroban?? No. But fortunately we’re back in civilization where we can buy medicine. Quinn’s leg got pretty swollen up but it’s mending now and we’re all taking prophylactic batroban once again to try to rid our bodies of the colonizing bateria that continue to haunt us. Relief may be in sight.

And travel to the big city can only be good for Naomi’s weight. She ate spare ribs, onion rings and a milkshake for dinner tonight and you know how happy that made both of us!! She seems to be shooting up in height and her feet are growing so I feel deep relief that we haven’t bonsaied her after all. Praise God with us for all his care and continued to pray for our bodies to heal well and wisdom on when to return to Bundi.

We begin to see such beautiful answers to all your prayers and to our clinging to a small stalk of faithfulness to our call. This week has been a time of continuing hard work and the beginning of real rewards as we have watched staff come together in ever increasing team work and students respond beautifully to the new combination of tough discipline and student benefits.

Yesterday the “out-of-bounds” map went up on the notice boards, a computer generated map of campus with danger areas marked in red. Visitors to campus laughed and joked uncomfortably as they compared CSB to a “jail.” We are undeterred. An entire town has grown up around this school since the IDP camps years ago, so we recognize the real need for keeping our students away from the fences and gate. And remarkably no students have questioned so far, the first Saturday in my memory that students haven’t streamed back and forth to the gate to “illegally” buy food, and whatever else . . . (including abortive herbs, alcohol and drugs.) Part of the success so far might be our strenuous work on improving our on-campus canteen. We hired a new manager to work full-time this year and have continued to evaluate and ask for student help with what we stock. Providing alternatives to buying over-the-fence is one of the ways to solve the root cause of this practice and avoid breaking the spirits of our students and creating more anger.

We’re also opening a new Game Store from the now fully functioning library. On weekends and non-class hours, students can check out games like Uno and Chess to while away the hours with their friends. Sounds simple but like everything else here it takes planning, structure, good help, clear policies and tough follow-up to make it all work. We hope and pray that students will continue to have better choices on how to spend their time, that as we offer them both new rules and new opportunities they will embrace their chances with full and open hearts.

Yesterday parents of students came by to say that the community is behind the changes and will support the school. This is big news coming just a few weeks after low applications for admissions and general grumbling by parents that CSB is becoming too “tough.”

I rejoice at each sign of hope I see, however small and fleeting. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but hope manifest creates new energy.

Pure Joy is:

- watching our student, Joshua (B’s sullen and unresponsive son), sitting on the edge of his seat during the first of our new weekly school debates: notepad in one hand, pencil in other, scribbling madly at each new point, scared to speak, full of life

- hearing the whole assembly of students erupt in applause as the diminutive K. Jimmy, chemistry teacher, strode meekly to the front of the debate to make his points; students and staff joining in a tremendous welcome

- seeing the debate secretary, a S4 student, refuse a staff member the right to speak as point of order . . . When else do students have such a voice?

- doubling in laughter at the animated striding and gestures of a S3 boy, fervently proclaiming the worthlessness of a particular political group in Uganda – and intensely seeing his beauty, for the very first time.

Our one debate last year on Ugandan Independence Day whetted our appetite for more. Since school wide debates are a form of normal life in Ugandan schools, much like football, we decided to begin the tradition here. Debate helps with speaking and hearing English, thinking on one’s feet, forming logical points, public speaking, critical thinking . . . . It’s a wonder, really! But even better than all that; it brings students and staff together in a way that I have never seen before at CSB. Watching yesterday, I got more hope than I have in a long time, and I am asking God to show us more ways to draw this school together in joy, pride and a vision of glory.

The Mundane has been keeping us busy here, thus the quiet. The last week has brought two snake killings in the yard; the relatively harmless burrowing asp (or so the book says) and our first killing of the dreaded boomslang, a juvenile male (again, by my amateur¹s guide.) As students return to their dorms, classrooms and sports fields, part of the re-entry involves using their long-scythe like tools to ³slash² the whole CSB compound which has grown tall and ³bushy² in the two month break. All that slashing brings out the snakes who move for different ground, less disturbed. Over in the girls compound there have been several sighting of a black snake as big around as a man¹s upper arm; probably been eating those Rodents of Unusual Size over there! Wouldn¹t want to walk up on him on a dark night ­ which of course is highly likely since everyone uses latrines and there is no compound lighting.

We have continued with our cycles of skin infections, Naomi has had three big ones in her eyes in the last month. Quinn has incredibly extensive infections on his lower legs and feet from infected bug bites. The mosquitos are back with a vengeance now that rains are somewhat here. Last night we put 22 band-aids on his legs, just for the wounds that were puss filled and surrounded by a red ring of inflamation. Scotticus, bring us band-aids next week!!

Meanwhile I have been dealing with what we suspect became a full blown kidney infection for almost three weeks now. It completely failed to respond to the first medication but after seven days on high doses of augmentin it finally seems to be subsiding. Praise God!
Three new teachers have joined us in the last weeks, all seem to be good guys (no girls, sadly) but we wait to see what plans God has for them here. We have a lead on what sounds like a super counselor for the school. Please pray for that. We have already interviewed two counselors and are finding it hard to move beyond ³ behavioral change and good life choices² as far as counsel. We want someone radically in love with Jesus who not only challenges life choices but prays the power of the Spirit into kids¹ lives. We¹re dreamin¹ big.

We¹ve begun the year well with some good changes but in the next few weeks even more are to come. It¹s a tiring but exhilerating process for all. I see so much energy in some of the new leaders at school, I think the growing sense of ownership has been a real gift to us all.

Meanwhile I continue to process emotionally all the things God has been revealing to me over the last weeks, months and years. This is a time of major growth and change for me. It¹s exhausting, beautiful, painful and hard. But it¹s good.

From Henri Nouwen:

“Sometimes I think of life as a big wagon wheel with many spokes. In the middle is the hub. Often in ministry, it looks like we are running around the rim trying to reach everybody. But God says, “start in the hub; live in the hub. Then you will be connected to all the spokes, and you won’t have to run so fast.”

That ‘running around the rim’ is an awfully good description of typical mission life in Bundibugyo. We all run, run, run helping to solve the problems around us and then run to each other for the pick-me-ups we need. All that running only gets more exhausting when the team is small. Not only are there fewer of us to meet the needs of the poorest but there are fewer of us to offer affirmation and praise to meet each others’ needs after we exhaust ourselves in ministry. It’s a broken model, this “rim living.” It ends in broken dreams, heartache and frustrated recipients to our very imperfect and harried way of ministering. And when we take this broken need for other’s acceptance back to our community of team, we face the second disillusionment in their inability to meet our hearts’ needs. We, in our brokenness and failures, seek acceptance. They, in their brokenness and failures, need it too.

We both remember that we are already accepted, when we live “in the hub.” The hub is the place of deep acceptance from God Himself, when we open the space for God to call us Beloved, and when we open room in our hearts to really hear and accept that truth. The truth that before we were anyone or anything to anybody; we were His Beloved One.

“That’s where ministry starts, because your freedom is anchored in claiming your belovedness. That allows you to go into this world and touch people, heal them, speak with them, and make them aware that they are beloved, chosen and blessed. When you discover your belovedness by God, you see the belovedness of other people and call that forth.”

Nouwen, calls us to follow Jesus model in Luke 6:12-19 and begin our ministry in solitude with God, move on to life of community and finally to the “spokes” of ministry. Sounds awfully good. I have experienced enough frustration and failure and fear to begin know that freedom is found only in claiming my belovedness. And the knowledge that my acceptance of His acceptance is the source of true life for those I love and seek to bring healing, hope and calling to . . . Well, that’s about as good as it gets.

Here’s to “hub” living.

My journal from the beginning of the team retreat has this verse recorded: ” Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘this is the way, walk in it.’” – Isaiah 30:21

God definitely showed up to retreat with us at the Semuliki lodge. Though the time was filled with challenges, we had a constructive time of team-building through trust and conflict and came up with a new mission for the year ahead, ” though prayer and partnership, investing in the poorest.” It definitely felt that the team was moving in the same direction we have felt God moving our own spirits, away from meeting every crisis need and towards partnership and long-term needs and solutions. All in all, a VERY beneficial time and refreshing too!!

The most refreshing part was Donovan Graham’s facilitating of “journeying with Jesus” during the devotional bits of the day. Using our “glorified imaginations” we spent time meeting with our brother Jesus, sharing our journey: past, present and future, and inviting Him farther in. As I said to David midway through the week: ” I saw Jesus today and he looked a little like your friend Mark L.!!” As Jesus met me in some deep places He brought a very precious image to mind that I think pictures a turning point in the path for me.

In my mind’s eye I am on the paths of the lodge, a narrow and wandering gravel walkway in the middle of the game park. We are within sight and sound, sometimes, of the noises of the residents but also isolated, quiet and surrounded by wildlife. As I walk this path, an unfamiliar, yet familiar, man approaches me. He is my companion. My closest brother. Dearer than a husband, more loyal than a friend. He holds my hand, He looks into my eyes. He draws me. He speaks to me. He shows me truth. He is gentle. He laughs. There is smile in His eyes and in His voice. He tells me that He has been here before, but never with me. We are safe. Danger may lurk but He knows the way. We journey through difficulty with joy. I am given a sense of curiousity instead of dread as I take the hand of my brother, Jesus. As He shows me the way He has walked before.

I partner with, first of all, my brother Jesus.

Today the bulk of our students will re-join us for the new year. Senior 1 and 5 students will not report for weeks or a month, but Senior 2, 3, 4 and 6 students will arrive by 2 pm today – at least in theory. We feel ill-prepared for this day, even after so much work and planning. It’s the first chance for our newly formed leadership team to put their thoughts and ideas to the test. The first chance for David to let them learn through both success and failure. We have also made it mandatory for a parent or guardian to accompany their child on-campus, so we have the added pressure and real blessing of sharing this experience with all of them.

Would you pray powerfully for us today?? There are so many details of entrance: checking trunks for contraband, taking note of parents names, villages and best contact (in a place where many people still have no cell phones, contacting parents in illness and emergency is not easy), assigning dorms, cleaning classrooms, signing student contracts – all of these are details but they are important ones. Most of all, pray that staff will be present and take ownership. Pray for dorm parents to welcome their students well. For the first time we have required dorm parents to be waiting in their dorms to welcome students and meet parents as they arrive. Pray for this to be a time of connection, a time of blessing.

I want to zoom into “take-care” mode and try to make all the details right. God’s forced me out of that by giving me only three hours of my day when my children will not be at home, needing my general presence. So pray for me to facilitate by offering prayers, courage, hope and confidence. And by leaving the rest to God.

Last night was a time of power and beauty, a time of song and prayer, a time of walking and gathering in harmony. A serious time of prayer for Christ School Bundibugyo.

Yesterday at 5 pm we began a new annual or perhaps term-ly tradition – the CSB Prayer Walk. Basing ourselves off of the Isaiah 61 passage “Give freedom to the captives and deliverance to the oppressed,” we walked throughout the school praying for freedom and deliverance for our students hearts and lives. There is a song called Pageant that makes me cry for our students each time I hear it: it’s a picture of the beauty of heaven and it talks about mourners dancing, blind hearts being opened to see, and every family praising Jesus. That’s what my heart was praying for last night.

We entered the boys dorms with their hard-to-erase signs still reading ” murder here, don’t touch” and “black death, I have magic.” We entered girls dorms with the remains of 200 pornographic pictures we have already torn from the walls. We prayed in these places for freedom from bullying, abortions, witchcraft, lust, alcohol, hatred. We prayed for a sense of community, for dorm parents to really PARENT their kids. We prayed for freed and safe hearts.

We entered the kitchen and laid hands on the manager and his taken-by-surprise support staff. There, surrounded by boiling pots and wood-smoke, we prayed for what is known in Uganda as the school’s “Powerhouse”, the place of feeding. We prayed for safe, clean, nourishing and on-time food. We asked forgiveness for taking these support staff for-granted. We asked for their salvation and abundant life. What a powerful moment as we knelt down in this place of hard labor to pray for these men.

We entered classrooms and prayed for class teachers, we entered the sick bay and prayed for the nurse. We gathered hands in our assembly hall and prayed for powerful and courageous speakers and ears to hear truth. We prayed over the gates with multiple one-word prayers that the Spirit of God would give “hope”, “confidence” “joy” and “community” to all who enter here. We imaged angels guarding our walls and we felt the Spirit of God descend among us.

Closing our walk after two hours, we were tired, tired from the hard work of praying well. We ended our prayer as a Leadership Team, praying for the staff. As the staff joined in a circle in the middle the room, they interlocked hands, arms, bodies in their excitement and responsiveness to this time of prayer. That is the picture I will carry with me beside the kneeling in the smoke-filled dusty kitchen; our beautiful staff, so entwined as to form a puzzle, faces filled with laughter and joy; and our Leadership Team, arms stretched out to touch their staff, faces strong and passionate in prayer.

If God is for us, then who can be against us. We are believing God for the impossible this year.