Bladder infections, high TSH and migraines aside, I am back at work in Bundibugyo, noticeably worse for the wear. Just ask my husband, who gets the brunt of my tiredness, frustration and stress. Things went okay at the school in our absence, no great falls from glory. But let’s face it, adding 100 more students to the mix as we did on the second admission of junior students on Monday, does not necessarily improve the general atmosphere.

I’m not particularly feeling well, we got behind on programs and behind-the-scenes planning, and the whole school felt that behind-ness at the beginning of term. This is where I say (and believe) that His grace is there in our weakness. But the reality is frustrating and tiring to confront.

Last night I headed off at 10 pm for the first of the year’s evening emergency hospital runs for a student health issue. As I learned over the course of the “evening” this girl was suffering from serious anxiety issues brought on by fights with a girl in the neighboring dorm. A girl that was sleeping with a staff member last year. And thereby, a girl who has earned herself the right to call herself a woman. Not clearly a good candidate to continue her studies here but someone we are trying to rehabilitate, to facilitate God’s redemption in her life.

Going in to the anxious girl’s dorm at midnight with her medication as prescribed by the nurse, I was appalled to find that pornography has already reappeared on the walls beside some of the beds. Not easily seen from the entrance, but there were at least forty pictures in the single girl’s area where I squatted to lay hands on her and pray for her. I left the dorm feeling the spirit of defeat. We prayed, we fought, and we have suffered a set back. Now we must not lose hope, we must pray again, with faith and strength and unity and not look back, only forward to God’s work ahead.

Pornography in dorms, rehabilitating students who really don’t want to change, ugly comments made by these students to my children, threats of violence, stone-throwing as a bullying tactic, the first student suspension of the year (and it’s our “son” Charles!) . . . . These have been some difficulties of the week.

Coming out of a staff meeting on discipline at 6 pm yesterday, I came up behind a group of male students who were watching Quinn and his African friends climb trees by the sports field. “Kazungu,” they were calling softly; unpleasant comments falling from their lips. Quinn was oblivious. I felt furious. “It’s quite rude to call someone “white person”, I said. Do you want me to call you “Black?! We are more than the color of our skin. Please call him Quinn and speak respectfully.” I felt fear, I felt anger, I felt a familiar re-appearing of the doubt that leads to despair. And I recognized the turn-around. That it’s my turn to feel the discomfort of racial bias. That I have earned this discomfort through the sins of my culture and the white community at large in greater Africa. That my high and mighty words, though true, bypass the heart-deficit of my under-privileged and deeply neglected African students.

Can people change? Can places change? Can we ourselves be changed by the reality of who He is?? Will He change me??

“You reign on High” declares:
“There’s none that is higher than you, there’s none that are Wiser than you, there’s no one more Beautiful, there’s none more true, than you.”
There’s only one Lamb of God, Only one King There’s only one Sacrifice Only one thing.
I want to gaze upon your beauty, Lord To dwell with you forever.”

I spent several post-work early evenings this week sitting on my porch, watching dozens of students playing football, listening to this song over and over and over . . . .just weeping.

He’s wise, He’s surely beautiful . . . He’s so true. And once re-shown our weakness, we fall back into His sure arms. It doesn’t mean we don’t cry, it doesn’t mean we don’t get angry. It surely doesn’t mean that we always have a good attitude or the biggest faith. It means that when the world calls us “white stranger” we respond out of our Belovedness. When we fear a stone, we take refuge in our sure Rock. When we fall behind we ask Him who is outside of time to fill those gaps.

If courage is not the absence of fear, but our action in spite of it; I would say that faith is not the absence of doubt, but the choice to believe in spite of our big doubts, our big fears and the ever-present reminders of the imperfections of said-faith. I have faith in someone who I call Wise, Beautiful, and True. And he is re-naming me, and re-naming those I love in Bundibugyo, Uganda. Won’t you join in this re-naming? If you are fearful and doubting, join me. He specializes not in the healthy, but the sick. We who most need His grace and forgiveness are those He calls to serve Him around the world. That is because His wiseness, His truth, His beauty is seen in us, clay pots that we are, so easily. Join this white stranger in worship of the King.