“I looked in the mirror and the problem was me.” – Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

“Search me, and know my heart . . .” – David, the Book of Psalms

These two quotes sum up a lot of my past few weeks. It’s been a time of quiet, a time of thought, a time of uncertainty. I’ve been trying to see more than the cracks in my life, but at the same time to begin by seeing some of my own cracks more clearly.

I have been blessed as I have reflected on King David’s request to ask God to “search my heart.” It’s not a personal soul searching, a personal self criticism or self judgment; it’s allowing God to search our hearts and show us truth about ourselves (the flaws and the gems) that we most need to see. I’m so thankful that God does not allow me to do that deep work of soul searching alone, but that He shields me and protects me by doing it for me. He has already revealed a lot. Most importantly that I have gone into hiding in many ways, that I have chosen self-protection instead of growth in far too many circumstances. He is showing me a renewed path towards obedience in the areas which are hardest for me.

Blue Like Jazz is a refreshing read about spirituality in the modern age. I haven’t finished it but I have already been blessed. He talks about all his angst about the developing world, poverty, the plight of the Congolese . . . . And all the judgment and criticism he leveled at how we as a society have tried to fix these situations. “And then,” he says, ” I looked in the mirror and the problem was me.” That just hits me on SO many levels. Not in a sadistic, I-hate-myself way, but in a reflective path-towards-acceptance way. In some strange sense we must simultaneously free ourselves from blame through acceptance of God’s total grace while realizing that we carry real personal responsibility for the worst of the world’s problems. Because the problem IS each of us first and foremost: not politicians or NGOs or the church or the people who are suffering. We too would take the fruit, can we truly believe otherwise??