Wednesday we “celebrated” the Martyrs of Uganda, if you can celebrate such a thing. It is a national holiday and we commemorated with historical speeches, music, End of the Spear (yes, American martyrs, but at least martyrs in a movie) and an afternoon of games and sports competitions. In every way this day demonstrated the new CSB; leaders stepping forward in ways we didn’t ask for and wouldn’t have known to want, students losing their fear of embarrassment as staff made fools of themselves in the competitions, lots of laughter and a healthy disgrace, self-forgetfulness, release of the tensions of teenage-hood, school and discipline.

Half way through the afternoon, the staff blindfolded race began. I was in the line-up along with all the other staff ladies. And I was thrilled to get to take part. But as a student tied the kitangi over my eyes, cutting off all vision, I began to feel a little less confident. I got a little afraid of feeling stupid, of looking ridiculous, of plain-old-hitting-my-head-against-the-goal-post!! As the whistle blew we took off. Or at least I took off, I had no way to know what any of the other competitors was doing. My strategy was to run hard and fast and as straight as I could manage. I had in mind that I had a pretty good idea of straight ahead and could easily win through reckless tenacity.

I ran hard, I ran fast, I ran straight, and then I heard laughter begin from the crowd. I slowed. I stopped. I waved my arms out in front of me. I faintly heard the voices of some students: “madam, to the right” and another ” madam, to the left”. I stumbled blindly first to the left, then to the right and then I yanked off my blindfold. I was ten feet from the goal, right where I should have been only that I had stopped too soon. I would have won had I only continued on.

I do not spend time writing this because winning is so important. Truth be told I am anti-competition and much prefer cooperation. I only participated in the blindfold race because it was a “just for fun” thing. But something stuck in my craw about this ending. And because I was in the middle of a fast, perhaps God was able more clearly to speak to me through my circumstances. (By which I mean I was more able to listen.) And God said: “this is what you have been doing in your life here.” In other words, God tells me to “run” and I begin to run with courage, determination and real talent. Yet before I can accomplish what he has called me to I slow down, I stop, I second-guess myself, I listen to the laughter and voices of others. In the end I can cause my own failures because I fear and doubt myself. When I step back from reckless obedience, I risk losing the goal.

Later that evening as I spoke with a good Ugandan friend, God confirmed what He is trying to teach me. He spoke through another story. And it all began to come together for me. A friend reminded me of the power of remembering how God has worked in past in our lives and it further cemented where God is teaching me. God has never worked slowly and surely in my life. He has never worked through listening to voices that proclaim uncertainty. He has never worked through proving me wrong or encouraging me to doubt those things which seem most clear. Instead he has spoken dramatically, surely, and in ways that don’t make sense to most around me. And it has only been in the long run that the plan looks good. He has required great faith in me and he has encouraged me towards reckless obedience time and again. And when I look back I see how very good all that recklessness has been for me.

So I renew my reckless spirit, I renew my courage in the gift of discernment which God has given me. I am reminded that though God may not speak clearly and audibly to all, He surely does with me. I will not be ashamed. I will not doubt. I will gather strength in the community of other saints. I will remember my testimony. I will run not only with perseverance but I will run despite blindness. And I believe that He is bringing me towards a very great goal. Time will only tell if recklessness will prove to be faith. But for now, I’m sure enough that God is calling me to it, that I’m willing to throw my life away on the chance that I’m wrong. Reckless-Acceptance, that’s where I am, that’s what I want to offer, and that’s what He’s given me.