This week I fasted, really fasted, for the first time. I am writing about it (despite the risk of glamorizing it) because I haven’t seen much in my christian reading that humanizes it, that takes the super-spirituality out and relates it to normal life. I am encouraged towards fasting by the example of my new Ugandan friend, Eunice, who fasts as a lifestyle and who gets deeper with God in the process. You could say she fasts out of a desperate certainty that she needs Him more than she can easily meet Him. I have that desperate certainty more each day.

For me, choosing to fast was a “take that, Satan” because of my history, because of how he defeated me in past. I used to way 55 pounds less than I do now. I was really good at fasting – except it wasn’t a fast, it was a starve. Somehow in my confused and intense teenage brain, losing weight became a competition with myself. It became a way to tune into my heart’s pain while tuning out to the hard work of meeting it. It was a solution that became a really big problem. And since that time, since I did the hard work of recovering (both my weight and my perspective), I have never come close to dieting again. Since then, the thought of spiritual fasting brought too many bad memories and too much fear of being tempted. To be honest, it has taken me about ten years to be sure that a simple fast of a day or two wouldn’t bring me back into the beginning of the end. Satan didn’t have me, but he still held fear over me. So this week I say, take that, Satan. And I celebrate a new victory, the victory of not fearing what He will do when I relax my guard.

I think in America we fear being hungry almost more than anything. Yet we ignore our hunger for God, the very hunger which our physical hunger is a reflection of. I don’t have big, dramatic, spiritual statements about my fast. But it brought me much deeper with God. I don’t know quite how. It was a secret communion with him that allowed us to meet in the spirit despite the busyness of everyday life. If I could have just fasted from people and activities this week (gone off alone) I would have. But since I couldn’t, fasting allowed me to be present deeply with God in my spirit while being actively engaged with the world around me.

I told Eunice that the Holy Spirit was very open to me this week. She laughed and I swear I heard God laugh too. “He’s always open, my dear,” she said, “it’s you who aren’t!” How totally true. But this week I have felt my spirit open to new revelations from His heart to mine. We have re-connected, re-affirmed our vows of commitment to each other, and once again I been told how beautiful He finds me. “Baby, you got issues”, He’s said, ” and I can’t wait to see how those issues come together with your amazing strength to make history.” Who wouldn’t want a friend and Lover who speaks this way??

So I’m recommending the spiritual fast. With a footnote that American women are way too thin, that you shouldn’t even think of fasting if you are hoping you might lose weight in the process. And with the confession that I’m a total novice and would love to learn more. Here’s hoping He’s ready to teach me.