I catch myself whispering the words to No One as I move about my daily habiliments:  “ I’m sorry.”  Sometimes it’s “I’m sorry I’m so  out of shape.”  Sometimes it’s, “I’m sorry I’m so impatient with the kids.”  Sometimes it’s; “I’m sorry I never, never, never get it right and I never learn.”

Each time I catch myself speaking these “sorry” words, I make amends.  I know I am not supposed to repeat that mantra.  Not to myself; I have no forgiveness to offer.  And not to God; who has already forgiven all.  Yet the depth of my self-distrust, my self-correction is deep.

It is only when I hear my son mutter those same words: “ I’m sorry.  I’m so clumsy.”  “I’m sorry.  I forgot again.”  When I hear from his voice, hear echoing from his heart, that same self-correction; that is when I stop in my tracks.

I am stopped by the heart-pain God feels when I whisper self-hate.   I too am a parent.  And I am grieved, saddened, immeasurably lost by my child’s words.  So He is by mine.

Fernando Ortega sings beautifully the Psalmist’s words:

Let the words of my mouth
Be pleasing to You.
The meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You.
Oh Lord my Strength and my Redeemer.

And I stop to wonder how much it pains the heart of God to hear words from my mouth that dishonor His priceless creation – me.  How much sadness it brings Him to hear me meditate on my shortcomings instead of his Redemption.

I want my son to believe Truth.  I want him to believe that what I tell him is true and that how I see him is right.  That who he is can not be measured by his extra exacting measuring stick.

Whatever is True.
Whatever is Pure.
Whatever is Lovely
Whatever is Worthy.

Think on these things.

So I choose.  I choose.  I CHOOSE. To think, to mediate, on whatever is worth giving thanks for . . . And to let the rest slip away into the endless forgiveness of eternity.

And I choose to teach my son to do the same.

To look up; not down, or in.

“Trust yourself as one entrusted by God with everything needed to live life to the full.”  - Brendan Manning